Godzilla Lays Waste to Large Area of Downtown Manhattan - Again

"It's really getting to be a helluva annoyance" said Ed Koch Mayor of New York. "First King Kong, then Godzilla and then Godzuki and now Godzilla makes a reappearance. The whole of the East side area is in the usual sorry mess that we are used to in this kind of situation with many buildings destroyed, cars flattened and crowds of screaming citizens fleeing from the scene." The Mayor has made the step of calling the local pest control firm Rodents 'R' Us who have a guarantee that all vermin will be gone by 24 hrs. "Well it's a big job" said Bob Huskett the head of customer relations. "but we'll be getting our heads together with several major Hollywood script writers to come up with the most imaginative, exciting way to destroy him. We'll be employing some of the most famous actors used to dealing with creatures of this size and of course a busty female actress who won't be any help killing the monster but will provide the love interest." The Mayor said he was very excited at seeing how it was going to turn out and Washington asked to be called as soon as a conclusion has been reached so that the President can fly in a helicopter above the devastation and say how truly grief struck he is.

Gore Uses New Vote Catching Method

In a last minute attempt to gain votes, Mr Al Gore today sacrificed a black cock in a chalk circle on the White house lawn in front of startled onlookers. He was later seen leading a goat into the backyard, returning with bloody hands and muttering "There, that ought to do it" before going back into the White House. "A return to good old fashioned religious roots is not at all unusual in these situations." explains psychologist Ed Blarney. " It shows a healthy acknowledgement that the situation is way beyond mortal control. Mr Gore was unavailable for comment but was later seen fashioning a small model man from was and asking if anyone had any pins.

Missing Child

Would readers please call the hotline number if you have seen Michael Davis aged 5 years. He is 3ft 2in tall, with brown hair and glasses. Michael was snatched from his bed last night by a 9 foot bogeyman who pronounced that it was for failing to do his violin practice that evening before disappearing into the night. His mother is fairly philosophical about the whole thing stating 'I did tell him time and time again but maybe he'll pay more attention to me now - if he comes back alive."

Unfair Treatment of Serial Killers

The Society of Serial Killers today objected to their negative portrayal by Hollywood screen producers. Their spokesman Jim 'Slasher' Wood said "We are not recognised for the valuable resource that we are and the time and effort that we put into our work. Our activities generate millions of pounds of film, media and entertainment revenue not to mention the major boost we provide for the knife and chain saw industries. Some of our members are highly skilled professionals and cannot even claim tax relief on knives and other basic tools of the job. We also would very much like to claim intellectual property rights on our methods as copycat killings only harm the profession stifling the urge for originality. Film producers often portray us as callous, heartless individuals when, like any group of crazed psychopaths, we have a broad range of personalities represented. For instance, Pete 'Hacker' Bailey here runs a home for abused donkeys and one of our most successful members Dr Keith 'Ripper' Green, has a fulfilling day job as the local community paediatrician. We are looking for more freedom to pursue our activities without harassment from the authorities and any Hollywood producer that does not respect our privacy will be eaten with a nice bottle of Chianti."

And finally......

A leading astrologer was run over by a bus today. "I just didn't see it coming." he said.

Bank Robbery Foiled by 4 Kids and a Dog

A major heist on the crown jewels was foiled today by 4 kids and a large dog. Apparently playing at amateur sleuths they had stumbled on clues to the burglary about to take place and caught the would-be thief by causing a chandelier to fall on him. As the thief was led away he said "If it hadn't been for you meddling kids i'd have got away with it!"

Turkeys Vote for Thanksgiving

In a surprise turnaround this year, turkeys voted for Thanksgiving by a slim majority. There was some initial confusion as one battery farms needed a recount and some older turkeys were confused by the new voting forms however the final result has now been decided. "We're delighted that we won. Thanksgiving is definitely here to stay.." said one Thanksgiving supporter shaking his wattle vigorously, "and we are sure that this will lead to a considerable change in our lives." Supporters of the ban expressed their disappointment and blamed the chickens for taking away crucial votes.